(Arab Strap react to the news with customary excitement during a liquid power-breakfast with their manager)

Arab Strap's latest single “Pished” culled from their 132 copy-selling latest LP “One more night moaning down the boozer (and still not learning how to sing)” is being touted at odds of 732-1 as a surprise Christmas number one!!! Their record label, Tartan Expectoration, has responded with delight saying, “We always knew that they had the potential to be bigger than the Beatles. That's why we passed up on the Arctic Monkeys to sign them.” The song, a typically gritty, low-key number played on a stringless acoustic guitar and recorded on a dictaphone in a skip behind the band's local has become a surprise smash with bored office-workers everywhere after it was used to soundtrack a hilariously zany NSFW Youtube video of two tramps beating each other to death over a bottle of Meths!!!!

Those lyrics in full!!!!!

Pished (oot ma fucking heed wi a hoor)

Dredgen tha Pobs tha Chresmas fucken Eeve

Ah wiz pished oot a ma wee fucken heed

Ah sin the way ye wiz standin theyr

Chewin on ya derrty, dyed black heyr

Ah had ma derrty, bloodshot eyes fixed on yer derrty bloodshot vadge

Ya smooth-talked mi, hen, wi yer: “ Get tae fuck, ya wee fuckin radge”

Doon tha backstrreet ah set tae choowin on yer grizzled auld bits

Rubbed ma wee, red-cheeked Santy-Clause betwin yer pleated auld tits

Ba 12:30 we wa snug in yer wee cooncil flaaat

Ah wiz so fucking randy, A’d a done yer wee fucking caaat.


Chorus:

Chew ma lumpy nutsack, run yer false nails doon ma fleecy back,

Another wee fucken tune, ba Arab fucken Strap,

Endlessly recycling, tha same old anti-romantic crap.

(repeat until band members lapse into diabetic coma....)