The Fullfillment* Centre 5

Jay was standing forlornly at a house a few doors up waiting the required time before moving on to the next unanswered door.

Hey, I said, pretending I was just going up the hill to the local shops. I am going for a cup of coffee. Want one?

They looked down.

Nah, they said, I have to knock on all these doors.

Listen. I was in a state of high emotion still, didn’t know what I was saying or offering and one part of me, the suspicious, retreatist part, the part that told me to never get too involved, never take on too many commitments, depend on anyone or have dependants was momentarily overwhelmed. I am leaving London in a week or two. Going up north to start work in a business up there, people trying to do something a bit different. Maybe I could sort something out for you, get you a job of some kind.

All the time I had been talking they had been looking down at their feet. Now they glanced up, they were suspicious. A default suspicion.

Have you got a phone?

They didn’t respond. Of course they had but they were worried I was going to ask for their number.

Google The Lancaster Project I said. That’s where I am going. Can you read? I almost asked but checked myself.

If you want me to explain it to you, I can. Just knock on the door, we’ll go to a cafe, a public place. You can, how old are you?

17

Ok. so you can make choices of your own, right? You’re legally OK to move about, right? So have a look, see what you think. I can sort out some of the practical stuff for you if you’re interested, it doesn’t need to be difficult or impossible. It’s easy enough for me to give you a hand.

They stood there alternately looking up at me and looking down at their feet.

I’ll give you my number, you contact me. Genuine offer.

Then I went to Blackheath Standard and typically, immediately regretted having said it, extending the invitation to someone I had absolutely no idea about to get involved in my life, then decided quickly that it didn’t matter they would ignore it and I would never see them again anyway.

In the local M and S I was so distracted that I wandered around the aisles for fifteen minutes or so without being able to get my thoughts together. You are in the grief stage of a break-up I told myself, don’t do stupid things just ride it out, it will pass.

When I went back down the hill Jay was nowhere to be seen. In the half-empty flat I reminded myself that Ayako wouldn’t be coming back from work and in the kitchen grew angry and morose, saying, you’re a fool, a fool, trying to throw your arms around the world still at your age. Ridiculous.

Then I put my meal for one in the microwave and sat staring at my hands as it heated up.