Monday, January 08, 2007

The iMpostume in conjunction with European partners The Cultural Parody centre presents.


..fade in….a few establishing shots… a number of Marquees..people milling.. a preponderance of beards, elbow patches and bifocals….the camera zooms in on a sallow girl with a jagged fringe sitting at a Cafe table and furiously underlining passages in Kristeva’s “ Toward a Semiology of Paragrams” essay….

(V.O.) …and once again here we are in Bi-Curious Paris, au Printemps, in Parc Hocquenghem for the third and final day of French Intellectual Fashion Week ….

Cut to Our Host, the Gauloise-tinted homme de letrres du jour Michel Pontifique, the thinking women’s Rocco Siffredi…

Pontifique:….and with me I have two.. or should I say three.. of France’s most influential Intellectual Fashion Designers…on my left Deleuze and Guattari and here on my right Lacan.

D and G nod soberly…Lacan puffs at his pipe.

Pontifique. First of all can you tell us what we can expect to see from the D and G collection this year, what those who wish to dress to impress at conferences and symposia should be wearing…

Deleuze. We have a whole new range of rhizomatic tops and trousers for the radically non hierarchical academic…

Pontifique leans forward..

Deleuze. We found traditional jeans and jumpers just SO stifilingly aborescent and so our new range of tops and trews are only three inches long but sometimes several feet wide, with a number of different neck and waist spaces so that they can be worn by several people at the same time ..

Pontifique. Fascinating….now tell me .. didn’t you get in a little trouble last year not just for wanting skinny models but actually in some circumstances insisting they had all their internal organs removed before they could “ get into” some of your clothes.. isn’t this the kind of fashion that’s great on the academic catwalk, being modelled by a hipster PHD student but has no real application to the women in the street…..

Deleuze. One must be prepared to transform oneself radically.. I myself have had it done. I recommend it wholeheartedly….

Pontifique. And what are the main advantages of this body without organs..

Guattari: (leans forward conspiratorially) Well, it certainly makes the fisting a lot easier…

(Deleuze and Guattari exchange a tender look)

Deleuze. And the advantages in terms of extra storage space for knick-knacks, lipstick, scrunchy and accessories, is self evident….

(Throughout the exchange Lacan has been smoking furiously, an obfuscating fog creeping slowly over everything)

(Pontifique turns toward him , eyes watering.)

Pontifique. Lovely pipe

Lacan. This is not a pipe.

Pontifique. Indeed not! Mr Lacan. What can we expect from you this year?

Lacan: Codpieces! Huge, distended, law-giving phalluses pierced three times through the shaft with adamantine rings, representing my triadic system of the imaginary, the symbolic and the real..

(D and G squirm excitedly in their seats)

Pontifique. Your usual conceptual boldness on display…

Lacan. We shall also be presenting a new range of Real Clothes for Imaginary Women.

(Cue VT. A naked women appears walking down the catwalk…..)

Pontifique (vo)..Interesting…. she’s naked...

(Back to studio)

Lacan. She? Who?

Pontifique. Who indeed!

(Pontifique continues squinting at the screen)

Pontifique. Is that a .. a nut? She has there.. stuck to her delightful young stomach…

Lacan: Yes ..indeed… a particularly hard kernel…is in evidence….

(Lacan drapes his Jaques Tati style raincoat over his significantly tented crotch. Delueze and Guattari eye him come-hitherly)

Pontifique. And I understand your range of Real Suits has been selling well this year….particularly popular with emperors of all descriptions, I hear..

Lacan: Indeed… we recently sold a matching His and Her Real Tuxedo and Cocktail dress to a famous Slovenian academic and his thirteen year old, Argentine lingerie model, mail order child-bride….there’s no way he can avoid acknowledging his desire when they’ve both got those on!

(Camera zooms in on our host.)

Pontifique: Messiuer Lacan, merci. We take you live now over to the launch of the Hauntology Label …expecting to do a brisk business in academic circles this year. And remember for those of you not on a lecturer’s salary a range of off the peg Hauntology items can be bought on the high street in an exclusive franchising deal with Marx and Spectres…..

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